You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
