I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.