I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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