I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
