Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
