hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
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We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
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IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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