Have you finally orgasmed yet?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
