This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
