I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
