I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
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