The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
it's like iHOP with fire
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He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
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we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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