I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
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I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
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She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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