No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
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His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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