why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
