Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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