She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
