Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
