he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
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