What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
