I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
