just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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