Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
