I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
