wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
