I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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