Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
