She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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