when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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