Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
