I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
