My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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