also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
