The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
