somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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