dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
