They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
