How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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