Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
