you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
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He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
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If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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