What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
