I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
