Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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