That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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