is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Houston, we have a squirter
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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