Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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