Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
