if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
