I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
