I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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