She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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