I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
