I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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